I was thinking the other day about the alphabet. Actually I came to it in a somewhat roundabout way, but more on that in a second…

So we have an alphabet right? But what have we been doing to improve it? I’ll tell ya what. Nothing. We have had the same basic alphabet since….. well I have no idea how long, but given that it’s called the roman alphabet (or at least I think it is), I’m gonna guess we’ve been using the same alphabet for some time. Now that’s not to say that there haven’t been attempts to update it, let’s not forget Saturday Night Live’s attempt to promote a metric alphabet a fair few years back, but let’s be serious, LMNO can NOT be a single letter, it just doesn’t work.

What we need here is not a pared down alphabet. We need an all new and improved (read expanded) alphabet. And I humbly submit what I think is a suitable first extension. It came to me like a winters storm. All seemed so calm, and then suddenly… epiphany.

Here’s what happened. Last week, or possibly two weeks ago, it’s really not important, let’s just say it wasn’t this week, I was sitting in my living room with my flatmates (I hereby refuse to revert to the north american roommates, as I have my own room) discussing theories on the meaning of life, the existence of God and the Everafter and…. ok, we were talking about if the salary cap in the NHL is making the league better or worse. The correct answer is better, as was being posited by yours truly. However my flatmate Ben disagreed, saying that it was making the league worse. His main argument was that the Leafs were good when there was no salary cap, and now they suck with a cap. Whilst I couldn’t disagree with his argument, I felt it was slightly misguided. Somewhat akin to saying that since there are no bears in downtown Montreal, my Bear Patrol must be doing a good job. The giant badger or possibly racoon patrol is not doing such a good job however. But I digress.

So as I was trying to use handsignals to demonstrate what I thought of his salary cap as a negative, I got stuck between signalling “Whatever, Loser”. and the somewhat harsher, ‘Whatever, Wicked Major Loser”. For those unfamiliar with these signals, for the former you form a W by touching your thumbs together and pointing your index fingers up while holding your hands in front of you with the palms facing whomever you are signalling to. You then drop your left hand to your side and stick your right thumb out to the side, while leaving your right index finger pointing skyward. I know it doesn’t look like an “L” to you, but it does to whomever you are pointing it at. If you don’t believe me, check in a mirror. (I think that works, one sec, I’m gonna check…. actually it doesn’t, so I guess you’ll have to take me word on this one). The former (Whatever, Wicked Major Loser) is made in a similar style, but turning the “W” over to make the “M”. For those of you keeping score, yes I am eight.

In any event, as I was saying, I got caught between an “M” and an “L”, with my right hand in the “L” formation, but my left going to “M”. And it was at this moment that all became clear. What I was left with is my proposal for the newest letter. I call it….. “lightning bolt”. It was a stroke of genius. I think that “lightning bolt” will really spice up the alphabet. I’m not sure what it’s phonetic sound will be yet. Potentially “Boom!!” or maybe, “PGHwhssshghghghgh”. I have decided on the placement however. It should go in between “O” and “P”. It’s a tribute to yours truly since my name starts with “P” and further, it flows with the song. ABCD EFG HIJK LMNOlightningboltP QRS… and so on.

The benefits of lightningbolt are almost beyond fathoming. Onomatopoeia would take on a whole new level. Imagine, a letter that makes its own distinct sound! That would blow whoosh, boom, pow, and most of the rest of the Batman words next to obsolete. They would be the eight track to MP3, leaded gasoline to the hydrogen fuel cell, the vacuum tube to the microprocessor. It would be revolutionary! And that’s not even getting into the potential for new dictionary entries. Websters would experience a renaissance unlike any ever seen in the modern world.

I know what all of you detractors are saying, Dewey Decimal would roll in his grave if he heard of this. Well, too bad. There are always going to be those who champion the status quo because they’re afraid of progress and what it might mean to their bubble wrapped existance. We need radical thinkers such as myself to push the bill, explore the limits of the human mind. People thought Darwin was crazy, he couldn’t even publish, “On the Origin of Species” until after he died for fear of public reaction. Galileo was put under house arrest for proposing (some believe correctly) that the sun, not the Earth is the center of our universe. Well I will not be repressed! Lightningbolt is too powerful. It is not just a letter, it’s a revolution. Lightningbolt is poised to be one of the great discoveries / made up letters of the 21st century.

So get behind it! Get in on the ground floor. I guarentee you won’t be disappointed. I predict that in fifty years time, Paul Morrison will be to the alphabet, what John Lennon was to songwriting, what Steven Hawking is to physics (and voice replicators) what Nobel was to blowing stuff up. A visionary. A radical. A dreamer. A genius.

Sincerely

Dr. Paul Q. Morrison Esq.

(Doctor of nothing in particular)